Hai Chú Khủng Long Dinosaurs Đánh Nhau Do Anh Bo Thuyết Minh

Animal Jokes

Animal Jokes

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A Russian scientist and a Czech scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears.

Finally their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and on west to Yellowstone Park. 
They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance and finally the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men.


They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident. They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said: “You know what this means, don’t you?”

The other ranger responded: “Of course...The Czech is in the male.”

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One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool. 


One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion. ”Lion, Lion!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”

”No” replied the lion, “I have not seen your four point tool.”

Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. ”Gorilla, Gorilla!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”

”No” replied the gorilla, “I have not seen your four point tool.” 


Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. ”Jaguar, Jaguar!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”

”Yup!” replied the jaguar, “I’ve seen your four point tool.”

”Well where is it?” inquired the chimp.

”I ate it” said the jaguar, smugly.

”Why would you do that?” cried the chimp.

”Because” replied the big cat, “I’m a four point tool eater jaguar!”

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A man was driving along the motorway when he saw two penguins standing in the hard shoulder. They looked lost, so he picked them up and put them in the back seat of his car. He then goes to the petrol station to fill up and whilst he is there the attendant notices the penguins in the back seat.

He says to the man, “What are those two penguins doing in the back of your car?”

The man says, “I found them on the road and they looked lost, so I picked them up”

“You should take them to the zoo,” replied the attendant.

“What a good idea,” said the man, and then paid for his petrol and drove off.


The next day he went to the same petrol station and the same attendant serves him and notices the penguins are still in the car. He says to the man, “I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?”

The man replies, “I did... they loved it... and now I’m going to take them to the movies!”

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Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. 


Daisy said to Dolly: “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”


“I don’t believe you,” said Dolly.


“It’s true, straight up, no bull!”

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Bugs Bunny was shopping at the supermarket and a sales assistant said to him: “If you can tell me what 19,866 times 10,543 is, we’ll give you free carrots for life.”

Immediately, Bugs responded: “209,447,238”. 


The sales assistant was astonished and asked: “How on earth did you do that?”

Bugs replied: “If there’s one thing rabbits are good at, it’s multiplying."

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Da Cajun, his name Jean Paul, moved to Arkansas and bought him a donkey from an old farmer for $100. Da farmer agreed to deliver da donkey da next day. Da next day, dat farmer drove up and said, "I'm Sorry, but I have some bad news... the donkey died just last night."

"Well, den, just give my money back, yeah."

"I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it already."

"OK, den. Just unload him right dar."

"What are you gonna do with dat dead donkey?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!"

"Well dats where you wrong. You watch you an you learn how we Cajuns so smart!"

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with dat dead donkey?"

"I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made $998."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just dat guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back."

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Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.  Interested in what the youngster was up to, he asked in his friendliest way, "What are you up to, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor commented, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied...
"That's because he's inside your lousy cat."

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A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse.  He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.

The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.

The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good."

On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer.  The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.

The rich man's daughter loved her present.  She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.

The poor man replied, "I told you... it don't look so good."

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Two friends were walking through the woods when they thought they heard something. They turned around and saw a big black bear coming towards them. Both men started to run when one of them stopped to change into tennis shoes.

The second man said 'You don't have time to change shoes. You can't outrun that bear!'

The first man said, 'I know I can't outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you!

a cowboy named bud

a cowboy named bud

-- Author Unknown

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward
him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses
and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you
give me a calf?"

Bud  looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
       
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
         
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response..
     
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."      

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
             
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"      

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U..S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of
equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you
don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about
cows, for that matter.  This is a herd of sheep. ....

Now give me back my dog.

The Silly, Hilarious and Funny Side of DIY [Do It Yourself]

The Silly, Hilarious and Funny Side of DIY [Do It Yourself]

Rosie Hall buys a self-assembly, flat-pack, cupboard from her local Homebase store.  Reaching home Rosie reads the instructions carefully, counts the pieces then assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really great and she is delighted.

Now, Rosie lives near a railway line and as the train passes by the cupboard collapses.  Undaunted by this misfortune she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard.  Once more, another train passes and the whole cupboard collapses again.

Rosie now frustrated and thinking that she must have done something "wrong" re-re-reads the instructions and re-re-assembles the cupboard.  Shortly, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again for the 3rd time.

Rosie is now fed up, cross and rather angry so she 'phones the customer service department.  She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a fitter to take a look.  Funny Short Stories

The fitter arrives and assembles the cupboard.  Again, a train passes and the cupboard collapses.  Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the fitter decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse.  At this point, Rosie's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says, 'Oh, that's a splendid looking cupboard,' and he opens it to look inside.

The fitter, who had been wondering how to explain his position in Rosie's bedroom cupboard, blurts out, 'You probably won't believe me, but I'm standing here waiting for a train.'

Funny Tale of a Lost Senior CitizenFunny Senior Moments

Funny Tale of a Lost Senior CitizenFunny Senior Moments

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out.  I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He told me, 'I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I continued, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

He added, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.'

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

He said, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.'

I inquired, 'Well then, why in the world would you be crying?'

He replied, 'I can't remember where I live.'

a bad day

a bad day

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

25 pearls of wisdom

25 pearls of wisdom

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a high price for maturity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you have never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government programme.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.